I have a hard time believing that I’m wanted or like some days. There is this voice in my head and it says some of the shittiest things. It makes me doubt all the connections that I’ve made with people, tells me that they don’t care about me and that I annoy everyone and I just need to leave them alone. This voice makes life hard sometimes and a lot of days I just want to scream and cry. The shittiest thing about all of this, I didn’t always have this voice.
In high school I was a theater kid, I was okay performance wise but tech theater wise, I was in my element. I like creating new worlds on stage and figuring out quick ways to make props. Tech theater gave me a purpose, but for some reason I stuck with taking the performance theater classes and I still have yet to recover. This was three years ago and I’m still not over what was done to me.
Our teacher played favorites and no matter what I did, no matter how much of my time and money I sacrificed for the theater department I was never a favorite. Once I was helping paint a set, but I had to use a stencil to paint a pattern on a wall. It turned out slightly crooked. In response, in front of three other classes including my own, my teacher yelled at me, “It’s ruined! You’e ruined the entire show.” No one stood up for me, she never apologized and after that day I became the punching bag of the theater department. I was literally told my ideas where stupid, people called me a bitch to my face, all of my imperfections where pointed out to me, and one moment they would be nice to me and the next they would be spiteful and I had no idea what I had done to deserve that treatment. When ever I did anything big in my life, like get into my first choice of college or obtain an internship at a local theater, the theater department would brush it off like it was nothing.
The worse slap in the face was my senior year. I had essentially directed, designed, choreographed, and promoted my senior show. In fact, everyone loved the show despite the fact that my cast just barley put it together after deciding to take a week off instead of practicing. At the end of the year, at the theater banquet I got nothing. No senior gift, no recognition, and everyone, including my teacher was fine with that. I cried that night and when I came to college, I realized that I had been mentally abused for four years.
The thing with mental abuse is that it takes a while to heal. No one told me that I would be stuck with a voice telling me everything wrong I was doing. No one tole me that I would doubt if anyone, my friends, my family, even my boyfriend even wants me around. No one told me that I would have days were I want cry and run away. No one told me that it would be hard to talk about this to my friends. No one told me that I would be triggered by the smallest things. No one told me that I would spend countless hours of my life working to make sure I didn’t let anyone down.
Even writing this post is hard and I can’t help but think, maybe this is my fault. I don’t want to post this but I need to get these words out somewhere, I need to just explain what is happening with me and hope that I’m not crazy.